Birthday blog: Be you!

 

When you get the calling, answer it being you.

When you answer the calling, inhale those inspirational downloads, being you.

When you will start working on your inspirational downloads

And shit hits the fan, Face it, being you.

Be your weirdness,

Be your goofiness,

Be your imperfectness

Be your “I repeat words, when I am scared” self

Be your “I cry over small stuff but face big shit with fucking bravery self”

Be your “without makeup” in pajamas in a messy bun looking shitty self,

Be your “I am freaking terrified, but I still do it no matter what self’.

When you will be you, some will be delighted, some will be intimidated, some will be frustrated, some will be devastated,

There will be  moments, you will feel like NOT being you.

You will be tempted to give up on your dreams, you will be tempted to please others, you will be tempted to blame and to give excuses, you will be tempted to fake it,

You will be tempted to be someone else, you will be pushed back by others,

There will be tears, there will be rock bottoms, there will be times when everything will make no effing sense.

And then, miracle is about to happen

And you are about to give up, 5 minutes before it occurs.

It's just 5 minutes left, and people are pushing you down and down,

It's 4 minutes left, you have decided, it's not going to work.......

Its 3 minutes left and you curse the God, Angels, Universe and higher power for everything.

It's 2 minutes left and miracle door is about to open, but you are turning your back away from it,

It's 1 minute left, what will you do, turn away from that door forever and let those odds win or you will go in front of the door and scream, shout, express, show up and push that door which opens up so easily.

And there you are! Tears welling up in your eyes, you are so happy , you could barely speak.

There is just you and this feeling of sheer joy.

Thank goodness, you decided to open the door,

Thank goodness, you gave up pleasing everyone,

Thank goodness, you decided to listen to that inner whisper,

Which was screaming to you from the very beginning

----“Be you unapologetically, and on the other side is the life beyond your wildest dreams”.

from my book "Heart Fool of Love and Life".

Today I turn 27, and as I take an inventory of my life and look back as to where I am today, I really am amazed by Universe’s plans for all of us.

27, 20 freakin seven, God, I feel OLD. Last 2.5 years have been a start of a quest of self discovery, last few couple of months have been a  period of finally feeling self love and self-compassion. Knowing my worth, understanding my worthiness never ever depended on any achievement whether material or immaterial for that matter. If there is something that I am really proud of, is my journey towards loving myself. Ever since childhood I felt I was not beautiful, not smart not that vivacious girl that would turn heads around wherever she goes. I just felt like I was made for books! Just that nerd who ended up being a Chartered Accountant and still feared that people will find out how dumb she is if they ask her any of those "Intellectual questions" on Finance and taxes. Urgh!!

In school I was really a wannabe who wanted to fit in, in that “Cool gang” but you know I never did. I had very few friends, I think two or three to be exact. And I don't even know how to approach my best friend today, you know, there has been such a long time gap!

Teenage years were a World War III in itself. All I can remember is me feeling extremely insecure, possessive, restless, anxious, self-pity and despair. And no I am not at all blaming any one or any circumstance for this, that’s just how I believed I was, for a very long period of time, until I hit a rockbottom during these years. It was during that rocky phase where I realized, I was far more powerful, far more worthy, far more confident, far more beautiful than I have ever known or believed. It was then, where I realized I don’t have to PROVE it to anyone. I just had to be myself all along the way.

My this journey then halted by a stop called “ TheSpiritual Awakening phase” where I had existential crises so loud I could barely sleep for several months. I can remember more nights crying under the blanket than I can remember not doing so. What was going on? I had no freaking clue. It was then when I was suddenly obsessed with this personal development and self help world, which was so different! They talked about Growth,which was the only thing I craved for! And then they talked about mindset, spirituality, manifestation, entrepreneurship and MONEY! Again, I thought I will at least now find SOLACE in this journey and maybe now everything is just going to fall into place and I am going to find a place where I finally belonged! So yet again, I went ALL IN, just to find out, I didn’t even belong there. I mean come on, 2.5 years of no music, just listening to podcasts, journaling, taking courses, watching spiritual stuff, reading books to get to the core of it all and after all this I still felt UNFULFILLED? Are you effing kidding me? What the hell is up with you life? Why?

And one day I woke up feeling really unshackled and suddenly, I didn’t  care what everyone else was doing in the industry, I decided to excavate my own path. A path which was built on the concrete road of mere creativity, inspiration, curiosity, joy and abundance. Yes! And this was where I am finding the real fulfillment! All my life I was in search of a kind of success which was not my definition of success at all, getting 1 million subscribers, earning 1 million dollars, getting married, having kids, getting a tattoo, all these things looked like they were my definition of success but in reality they were not. My success lies in me merely CREATING and putting my art out there, whether it be in audio, video, text, does not actually matter. All I want to do for the rest of my life is to inspire people through my content and get paid for being me and for sharing my take on life!

26 years is a hell lot of time to live with fear, what if I never fulfill my dreams, what if my situation never changes, what if I never make money doing what I love, what if no one is made for me, what if and some more what if’s sprinkled with what others will think if’s….. And that makes a perfect recipe for a tastleless and purposeless life.

I am tired of seeing all these layers of perfect life, Adulterated definitions of beauty, success, abundance and spirituality.

I may be super boring for choosing super simple and my own curated definitions of all these things but it gives me more innate joy than keeping up with you World!

So, Sorry World, I can no longer keep up with you, because I am happy being unapologetically, boldly, imperfectly and yours truly, MYSELF!